tit for tat...

oh really? we're all grown so why is it that adults sometimes revert back to childlike behavior. like, you said something that hurt me, so i'm gonna say something to hurt you back. just be honest and truthful. if someone is telling the truth and you can't handle it, just say so. but don't be honest and truthful only when it suits your needs and hurtful at all other times.

giving the power back...

to yourself. i never thought i'd be one of those women who couldn't let go. who would allow someone to disrespect me and treat me badly over & over again. shoot, i'm smarter than that, but i guess book smarts and relationship smarts are two different things. but why can't i just let go? why have i given this person power over me and allowed that to determine how i feel? so i was surfing the net this morning (while i should have been working) and found this:

"This may be tough for some of you to hear, but that's ok, that's tough love. Why do some people give their power to someone else? Why do you need someone else to let you go? If they are not treating you right or causing you stress, hurt and pain, then you need to release yourself from that person if they refuse to treat you with the respect that you deserve. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what we are picking up intuitively, or what a reading says, or what you think you feel, what matters is this, how is this person treating you in the present moment? Can you handle the behavior and actions that this person is showing you? If it is causing you pain and stress, then LET IT GO. I have been in love before personally, and I know how hard it can be emotionally to let someone go. But you have to know how to set your boundaries when you are not being respected. It is difficult at first, but you will get used to it. And on top of that, people will RESPECT YOU MORE over time. Now, life can be challenging and there are always going to be obstacles along the way. No one is perfect. But the point of this blog is that you need to BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. Don't allow your happiness to depend on someone else. If that person isn't treating you right and causing you pain, then you need to make yourself move on rather that person talks to you or not.

You deserve the best. You deserve respect. FREE YOURSELF!!! It doesn't matter what the other person is feeling. If their behavior is causing you stress and pain, free yourself from it. It doesn't matter if its a soul mate, twin flame or whatever word you want to call it. If its meant to be, that person will come back around in the universe's own time and they will treat you right. Maybe that person has to go through changes before they can be in your life. Think about that."

man, that hit home for me. it took someone else to tell me that this person wasn't respecting me, because i couldn't see it, or maybe i did but didn't want to because i thought all was good in the hood...guess not. so i moped around for a few days but my mood is improving. i don't really feel like being around anyone or hearing about how great a relationship is. i question what i did or didn't do and what i could have done differently. but i have to stop questioning myself, just admit that its a done deal, and take my power back.

that daggone c.p.t...

why is it that when we have anything we can't seem to start on time? i mean really, if you say something is going to start at 10:30 pm, please be there and be ready to go at 10:30 on the damn dot! don't start isht at 10:31 or 10:35:55 or 10:53:57. that is one of my biggest pet peeves. unfortunately i experienced c.p.t last night. no one seemed to be in any hurry to get things started so i left and headed back home. contrary to belief starting isht 15 mins later than scheduled is not a good look.

please, please, please my brothas and sistas let's get it together. please realize that starting something on time is a good thing especially when you're dealing with other people's time.

if you're early, you're on time...if you're on time, you're late.

the black kkk...

interesting article


http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7499442?MSNHPHCP&GT1=10637

lets just be friends...

really? gtfoohwtbs!

you have all these feelings wrapped up in a person and they just spring that on you. like, we didn't start out as friends (which is probably the problem in itself), so magically you think we can be buddies now? in the words of whitney - hell to da naw. that's the mood i'm in right now. i don't want to be your friend. i mean, i was upfront about what i wanted. i didn't beat around the bush, i said i wanted a relationship. but i should have known something was up. that's my fault for being so naive and gullible. i'll have to be more careful with who i let into my life next time (if there is a next time but thanks to this mojoker, there probably won't be). so i am a little bitter, aw hell i'm pissed the f*&k off! if this dude didn't know what he wanted he should have said so upfront, but nah, he didn't have the balls to do that (which is not surprising to me, his lack of testicular fortitude has been present through this little ordeal).

so would i be wrong for thinking about slashing tires, pouring sugar in the gas tank, breaking windows, and/or vandalizing his isht? nah, i'm not really that type of woman, but i want to hurt him and make him feel lower than a piece of dirt.

turkey day...

was actually very relaxing. i didn't eat much, but ate what i wanted. watched a movie or two and had a good time with my family.

i had plans of getting up early today, i always plan to get up early and do the after thanksgiving sales thing. but that never happens, plus the thought of leaving my warm bed and warm apartment get me every time. but i will go out later today to get a christmas tree. i completely forgot all of my christmas decorations are at home, so i can either go get them this weekend or buy all new decorations. i have to weigh that one out...hmm cost of gas to go home and come back to charlotte vs. cost of new decorations + the time and energy deciding a color scheme to go with. its tough.

my mommy is coming to spend the day with me today or tomorrow. that should be interesting. have to make sure i put up a few things because she loves to snoop around my apartment.

ah well, time for my first nap of the day...

glutton...

for punishment. why is it that the things (including people) we know are not necessarily good for us we keep letting into our lives? is it is that we are gluttons. we don't get enough of being treated poorly so figure that its better than being treated no way at all? i have to ask that question because i keep doing that myself. why? i'm a good person, don't i deserve better? of course i do, but i have an issue with letting go of things (including people). this is just me, but as far as people are concerned, i feel like if i cut someone out of my life then if something good happens to them i won't be around to enjoy it. but would i really be able to enjoy the moment if i remember all the not so good times with this person?

4 words & a question...

scared the bejeezus outta me. i heard them last night and was immediately caught off guard. i didn't know how to respond, well i did but i couldn't. if you know me, you know i'm famous for answering a question with a question. so i asked this person the same question. the answer was yes. i told this person they weren't ready, their reply was how do i know that. i don't but as i thought about it more, i realized that maybe i'm scared of where things might go and so, maybe i'm not ready.

today...

i had a job interview with the local hospital for what was essentially a recruiting position. although i wasn't qualified for that position the hiring manager told me that if they hired internally she would consider me for an hr assistant position. she asked me if i would be interested...um yeah!! but of course i played it cool and said (as professionally as I could without sounding overly excited) absolutely! so i hope i hear from her, but again, as stressed as i get at my current job i'm okay if i have to stay a little longer.

way back in 1922...

...sorors, ya'll know the rest!


Happy Founders Day to all my BLUtiful SoRHOrs!!

85 Years Never Looked So Good!

EE-YIP!!

"never let your fear...

of striking out keep you from playing the game"

i love this quote. it's so where i am in my life right now. actually it's where i've been for a long time. always a fear of not fitting in or being rejected somehow, so i keep people at arm's length. i shut down and completely withdraw because it's easier for me to just not be in a new environment rather than risk being hurt. that fear is always there for me, hence my inactive social life, the shyness, etc. sometimes i wonder how i even function normally, but i do. am i abnormal, lol, some might say yes but i don't think so. there have been numerous times where i have told myself that i was going to let go of the fear and just be. but it's so hard to do that. i'm working on it, but i have a more work to do, i don't want this fear to totally consume my life and i'm tired of living with it. people can tell you to just do something or just be something, but i've been this way for most of my life and as ya'll know (from my previous blog) dealing with change is not my forte. so...i'm going to give it a try again and hopefully i'll see different results.

who moved my cheese...

if you're in corporate america you've probably seen excerpts or read that book. it's all about change - basically making changes and being successful.

i have to admit, i hate change! unless it's change that i've initiated or maybe have been advised about in advance - i hate it! when things change it leaves me caught off guard, reeling, and trying to regain control. i deal mostly in the familiar, with what's comfortable to me, and with things that i can control and manipulate easily.

so...i'm about to make a huge change in my life. i'm doing this with 3 other women that i respect and trust, but i am freaking out! i'm trying to decide if this is the right decision for me. i thought about it some this morning and got sick. i've made a decision and feel like right now there's no turning back, but all i want to do is run! run back and get back into my comfort zone. i feel like crying right now, i want to, but crying isn't going to help the situation. it'll just make me hate and regret the decision that i've made more. it will make me resent this whole situation that i feel like i've been dragged into (kicking and screaming).

maybe this will be a good thing for me, get me out of my comfort zone, help me be more active and social. that's what i want...it really is, but right now i don't care. i just want things back to the way they were.

random spurts....

randomness:

i have a decision to make. on the one hand it could be very easy, but on the other hand its hard to decide what to do

to you...you are so cute! i will always feel like you're the one that got away. thanks for making me smile this week (like only you can do)!

its cold...i love the cold weather because of the cute winter clothes.

to the other you: you get on my nerves sometimes! i don't know why i keep you around

i'm glad it's the weekend!! i am going to do absolutely NOTHING!

i need to build up my blue/gold wardrobe...think i'm gonna need it

how yooooou doing...

if you ever listened to wendy williams' radio show, when she plays the clip "how yooooou doing" you know what it means. so everyday at work for the last few months my co-workers and i have been faithfully listening to this show. yesterday she had felicia 'snoop' pearson on the show. any wire fans out there? if so, ya'll know that 'snoop' portrays a hit women (part of marlo's crew) on the show. well ms pearson is also a lesbian...and a very butch one i might add. yesterday she was basically describing her life. how she was raised in foster care, was in jail for killing someone, and then got her big break (after being discovered by the dude that portrays omar on the wire).

so what does this have to do with "how yoooou doing?" well, wendy is a nutcase, seriously. but she was asking snoop basically about her lifestyle. this chick proceeds to say a few things that i was shocked by. first...she's a lesbian...duh, she sounded like a man. second...she likes women (duh, of course, hence the lesbian thing) but she doesn't like women who are completely into that lifestyle...she prefers to try and "turn out" women who i guess are either bi-sexual or straight. third...she wants to have children some day but wants her foster brother to "knock boots" (yeah, that's what she said...i could neeeeever make this up) with her lesbian lover so that child would be related. <--- i'ma leave that one alone cause that don't make no damn sense at all.

my co-worker and i were cracking up. literally, while listening to this interview i had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. anyway, snoop mentioned that she "just knew" she was homosexual when she was 6 or7. ok. for real? word? i just couldn't believe she said that. when i hear or read things like this i just wonder how in the world do you know at that age your sexual preference. my co-worker said that some of the homosexual people she knows have also said the same thing. they just knew at an early age. still don't know how, but i guess if i knew in the first grade that i liked boys (yeah, i started early...had a boyfriend and all, lol) i guess it is possible that snoop knew she liked girls. maybe it is all about genetics, maybe being homosexual is a predisposed condition. i know i've always been taught and believe that g-d made us all in his image. that he made adam and eve and wanted men and women to procreate. so i feel like being homosexual goes against all of that, it's like saying g-d made a mistake.

not trying to bash any group, i mean to each his own. but that interview and some of the things mentioned make you kinda go hmmmmmm.....

so.....

my sis wrote a blog on self esteem and i started to think about some things. is my self esteem high, low, or in between? do i like the way i look or am i just ok with my looks because - well hell, i'm too old to change things now.

honestly... there was a point in my life in the past when i was very uncomfortable about my looks. i could look in mirror and see one thing and then have someone else tell me something different. i'd look and see someone who just looked mediocre, someone who no longer had the curves she had in high school, someone who'd gained a few pounds here and there and someone who would never be attractive to anyone of the opposite sex. sounds kinda silly right? did i feel like i needed a man to validate me and tell me that i'm attractive and he's attracted to me. at one time the answer may have been yes. because after all, we all need some type of validation whether we want to admit it or not.

so where am i at now? honestly? over the last few years i have come to accept the way i look. i've come to like...heck love the way i look. i've come to understand that i am perfect just the way i am and if someone doesn't like it they don't have to. i love my smile, my lips, my curves...i love it all. i've come to realize that i'm a beautiful woman, who even at the age of 35, doesn't look 35. This poem pretty much summarizes how i feel now...

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

i love me some denzel but...

i will have to see american gangster again. after months of hype surrounding this movie, i am clearly confused. it seemed to jump from one thing to another without full explanation. the start of the movie left a lot to be desired. i mean, we learn nothing of lucas' past, where he came from, etc. instead the movie opens as lucas is probably in his mid 30's with his boss bumpy and at the start of his reign as a drug lord in harlem. some details of the movie seem to be incorrect, mainly lucas was from nc but not greensboro as indicated in the movie. i did a little research via wikipedia and found that he was from washington, nc. i also felt the unbelievable amount of acting talent in this movie is clearly wasted, ie ruby dee's small part as lucas' mother, chiwitel ejiofor his brother from nc, even cuba gooding, jr as nicky barnes - lucas' rival...these characters were clearly undeveloped and lacked personality.

the movie served its purpose...we learned about frank lucas' rise and fall as a harlem drug lord. it will be added to the dvd collection, but i just wish there was so much more to it.

i prayed...

for a friend this morning. and i'm hoping that g-d overlooks all my heathen, non-christian like ways and still blesses this friend. seriously, this would be huge for this person. so, i prayed because i was asked to do so. i prayed because i wanted to.

speaking of g-d and christian like things...i should be at church this morning and i had every intention of going, but with this time change (yay for an extra hour of sleep!) i just can't get it right. first i thought it was 10:30, then i looked at my cell and it said 12:30, then i looked at my house phone and it said 11:30. what?!?!? LOL. I was really confused for a minute, but i took another look at my cell and it said 10:30 so i'm just gonna go with that and hope its correct.

so...who knows what the rest of the day has in store for me, but i'm optimistic and hoping for only good things. :)

november...

is finally here! in 3 days it will be my mom's b-day, in 19 days it'll be thanksgiving. this is one year that i can seriously say has flown by.

so...looking back is there anything i would have done differently? honestly? there probably are a few things that i would have done differently but on the other hand things if i had done something differently things might not have turned out the way they did.

i honestly can't wait to see what thanksgiving and christmas bring. holidays = relatives, friends, loved ones, time off work...etc. i do have one wish (that i'll keep to myself) but i'm hoping it comes true.